


Show your love, make a meme

by marsali



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Memes, Mild Panic Attack+, References to Depression, References to Drugs, They are so in love, Trans Male Character, hans is a hero, love letters through memes i guess, meme lord matteo, pictures should work now, sorry - Freeform, the boysquad helps, trans!david, trying to get my writing mojo back, we STAN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsali/pseuds/marsali
Summary: “He sat down and drew that for me. And you want me to make him some shitty meme?”Or: The boysquad figures out a non-threatening, low pressure way for Matteo to let David know he hasn't forgotten about him and is still waiting. Matteo isn't sure he approves.





	1. Meme 1

„You should send him memes or something.”

Matteo almost choked on his sip of mango juice. Some of it actually dribbled out and ran down his chin. He wiped it away quickly, but not quickly enough for Abdi to not have seen it, if the way he was laughing like a hyena was anything to go by.

Matteo shoved his wet hand into Abdi’s face in retaliation and they almost started a brawl right there, but then Matteo remembered that he really needed to respond to what Carlos had said.

He turned his body back to the boy in question, who was grinning at him and to Jonas who was nodding like one of those car dashboard dog things his Dad used to have in his Fiat.

“Hä?”, he asked, eloquently as ever, still fighting off Abdi by slapping away his hands without looking at him.

“Ja, Digga! Think about it. You said he draws stuff for you. _You_ can’t draw for shit, though. And if he’s into romantic, DIY stuff, you gotta make something for _him_ ”, Carlos said like he was being totally logical. Like he had not, very obviously, suffered some sort of psychotic break.

Jonas was still nodding but Abdi had finally given up trying to spear through Matteo’s ribs with his fingers, so that was something, at least.

Matteo licked his lips and blinked his eyes very deliberately like that would help make sense of the situation. “Alter, memes are not exactly peak romance. Not like … I don’t know.”

He let himself fall back against the ground but instead of staring at the ceiling of his room he turned his head to the side to stare at the drawing of Vampire-David holding a cheese toast in his hands. The paper of the drawing was crumpled now, but he had tried, very carefully, to straighten it back out again, before taping it to his wall once more. It was a little worse for wear but Matteo still loved it. “He sat down and drew _that_ for me. And you want me to make him some shitty meme. Like that’s the same?”

“Dude, think!”, Jonas said and tapped a finger against his own head, like Matteo needed to know what body part he should use for said thinking. “Which presents did our moms always like best? Not any expensive shit, but the wonky, weird stuff we made in school. The stuff we made ourselves.”

Matteo stared at him and kind of hated everyone in the room then and there, because apparently, he needed to point out the following to them. “You know that David isn’t my mom, though, right? Like, that’s the whole point.”

Abdi snorted. “The whole point? So, everyone that isn’t your mom is fair game to you? Not gonna lie, that’s a bit gross.”

Matteo groaned and threw an arm over his eyes while the other boys stared laughing again.

 “Matteo, you need to be more excited about this,” Jonas said in the end. “David’s all artistic and stuff, right? So, that reminds you of him. But you’re like this … meme lord! He likes your posts on Mondays and Fridays. He would totally like it, because it’s something that reminds him of you.” Jonas shook his head a little. “Carlos somehow got really wise. This could totally work.”

“That’s the power of love and self-care”, Carlos said wisely and spread his arms, closed his eyes, and smiled like an especially benevolent prophet. “Huddle up, disciples, to hear more of my wisdom.”

While Jonas and Abdi scrambled down to the floor to actually sit at Carlos’ feet and stare up at him, Matteo, watching them with a smile tugging at his lips, started thinking about the idea in earnest.

In the end he decided it was just one of those things that might as well happen.

 

* * *

  
  
Though.

The thing was, he couldn’t make it too obvious.

If he posted this and everybody immediately figured out who the meme was about, David would probably be seen taking the next bus straight out of Berlin to go live in the Austrian alps or something.

But people could know that Matteo was pining after a boy. Fuck, most already knew anyway thanks to the gossip mill that was churning happily on and on. And school was mostly over anyway. Matteo was past caring at this point. At least, that’s what he told himself. He couldn’t be asked to figure out all the reasons he was anxious about this, could he?

Anyway.

He was out of the closet. He liked a boy. And was going to make some lame memes to romance that boy.

Matteo’s heart was almost hammering out of his chest while he was searching for empty meme templates and trying to come up with something clever.

Three times he closed his laptop and threw it onto the bed only to open it back up immediately, sighing in frustration while hammering in his password to make his desktop appear again.

Hans came in once to ask him something but Matteo only grunted at him and Hans dramatically declared that he wouldn’t get any of the apfelstrudel he and Linn had made then.

At the mention of strudel Matteo’s eyes left the laptop for a second and Hans groaned even more dramatically before turning around on his heel, returning with a plate of still hot apfelstrudel and a sweetly whispered “Screw you, butterfly”.

People had a weird thing about feeding Matteo, but he wasn’t going to complain.

Three hours, Matteo was sitting in his bed, crumbs all over his sheets and memes all over his desktop.

He swallowed drily and bit his chapped lips, as he looked over what he had created.

Could he really do this? Wasn’t this … pushy and weird and too … Something?

Matteo was always _too something_ , wasn’t he?

And that thought alone made him want to go grab a joint and make all of the pain that was welling up in his chest right now go blurry, hazy, and distant. Which didn't help the constant idea of being wrong that had taken up residence in the back of his mind and like to make itself known sporadically. 

Matteo shook his head and with that motion, he also shook himself awake. Out of this nightmare of a thoughtspiral that would lead nowhere but down, down, down. Drugs and the lense they lent him - the lense that turned the world into something that couldn't hurt him as much but made him numb against all the other stuff, too - wouldn’t make any of this better. He knew that. The last week had shown him that, even though he’d actually known it before. Somewhere, at least. In the part of his mind that he kept purposefully dusty and didn't like to rifle through. He'd just needed reminders, it turned out. Reminders to look and reminders that it was worth it. And he needed to trust more.

In the end, Matteo decided, this maybe wasn’t the time to keep thinking about the areas in life where he was too much but instead it was time to improve on the ones where he was too little.

Where he could be more.

If following Rentier’s advice had proven anything, it was that Matteo could and should rely on his friends. Should try and believe in people more, instead of assuming that he was only getting on their nerves anyway.

Hans, Amira, Jonas, the boys … they all had shown in their own ways that they were there for him and liked him. He had driven them away and yet they had been willing to come back, take him back, even though he had never said the word ‘sorry’ because it just wouldn’t pass his lips.

He didn’t like apologies. He liked actions.

Matteo was too used to empty words from his father, telling him he was sorry, or from his mother, telling him she would do better. He'd been listening to their words for so long. They were more of a background noise than anything else now. Better not listen at all but rather look at the way their bodies turned away from him or curled in on themselves. That was where the truth really lay. They talked towards him but never came towards him. There were times when Matteo felt like maybe he repelled people. Like an opposing force. He didn't like to think about that but he often couldn't help it. He was a product of his upbringing. And that, finally, left him here. 

Instead of apologizing to David through a text that would have felt too personal for the precarious feeling their current situation gave off, Matteo would make a gesture.

Instead of being too afraid, he would be more daring than usual.

Because this was worth it. This was worth trying, even if it was hard.

For the first time in his life Matteo thought he might be … not in love, but something in the neighborhood of that. In _like_ , maybe. He would say it was a crush, but that sounded too sticky sweet for the glowing ball of warmth that had made its home in Matteo’s chest.

He idly rubbed the place, right where his heart was and where it hurt a little, and thought that he had no real name for what he felt. It just felt monumental and at the same time it was right and good and like it was the most normal thing in the world that he would feel this for David. _Of course_ , it was David. The thought of feeling this for someone else was … wrong and Matteo didn’t like it, so he pushed it away, for once not lingering where there might be pain.

The thought of David and maybe getting to explore whatever this was a bit more, of being able to share it with him and nurture it into something even bigger, was enough in the end.

Matteo pulled up Instagram on his computer, chose a meme but no filter, composed no line at all and hit send.

 

  
 

For a second, nothing happened.

Matteo stared at the post and while he was staring a cold feeling spread across the crown of his head and down his neck, only to be replaced by a sudden burning heat in his cheeks.

 

_Oh god. Oh. God._

_He had done. That._

_Why, oh, fuck, oh, god._

 

But before panic could take root in him for real, his phone buzzed and made him freeze.

There it lay on the bed, like a snake in the middle of a field.

He just knew, if he touched it, it would bite his fingers off. 

Well. Maybe that would be better for everyone involved. You can't type shitty memes if you don't have shitty fingers, after all. 

It buzzed again.

And again.

And … see. Matteo was no idiot. Not really. You didn’t decide to do you abitur in biology if you were stupid, academically speaking. But. Sometimes Matteo was stupid on a molecular level?

He knew there was no way in freaking hell that the buzzing of his phone was because David had liked the meme or written to him. Because it was unrealistic and frankly disturbing to think that David was staring at his phone 24/7 waiting for any and all online signs of Matteo still being alive and doing shit. Because thoughts like that could only be the product of an actual moron.

But Matteo really, really was a stupid, unrealistic, and frankly disturbing actual moron sometimes, so yeah, he was thinking that there had to be a slight chance that David had reached out to him and his idiotic, little heart actually did a disappointed little flop in his chest, a bit like dying fish really, when Matteo saw that it was Carlos and Abdi freaking out in their shared WhatsApp chat.

 

 **Carlos** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Carlos** : Matteo did it!!!! 😱😱😱

 **Carlos** : DUDES!

 **Abdi** : What are you talking about?

 **Carlos** : Alter, check insta!

 **Jonas** : The hell, Matteo, since when do your work this fast, we were only just talking about this! 😳🙌

 **Abdi** : Meme lord strikes! 👊👊👊👊

 

Matteo rolled his eyes.

 

 **Matteo** : don’t call me meme lord.

 **Matteo** : do you think he’ll like it?

 

Sometimes Matteo wondered how this had become his life. Asking his friends if the dude, _dude_ , he was crushing on, would like the meme he had posted for him on Instagram like he was the teary-eyed embodiment of the “Senpai, please notice me” meme himself.

 

 **Carlos** : Of course he’ll like it!

 **Carlos** : Since your little heart is all shaky because of him 😂😂😂

 **Abdi** : Matteo is in loooooove.

 **Jonas** : Boys, stop teasing him.

 

Matteo had known Jonas for long enough that he was _not_ relieved when he saw that hecoming to his rescue. Any second now.

 

 **Jonas** : Not sure his little heart could take it. 😎

 **Abdi** : Ahahaha, he murdered you in your own house

 **Carlos** : 😂😂😂

 **Matteo** : abdi, that doesn’t even make any sense and also YOU MADE ME DO THIS         

 **Jonas** : Ooooh, all caps. Stop screaming at us, Kleiner!

 **Carlos** : Yeah, for real though. This is exactly what I was talking about earlier! He’ll like it. This is prime matteo content! 👌👍

 **Abdi** : Totally, bro

 **Jonas** : Same. Try not to think about it too hard. He’ll like it.

 **Matteo** : he hasn’t yet

 **Abdi** : Stop being so thirsty, it’s been 10 mins

 **Jonas** : I mean, I agree, but it’s brave of YOU to tell anyone to not be thirsty …

 **Carlos** : True

 

While all hell broke loose in the group chat, which Matteo was watching with a detached sort of glee, he decided that there was nothing for it.

They were right.

Waiting it was.

 

* * *

 

Waiting was shit.

Especially since Matteo had a tiny heart attack every time he got a notification and he just knew that David would only like the meme (if he ever liked it, he thought, bleakly) once Matteo had stopped expecting him to.

What he was definitely not expecting was Hans storming into his room waving his phone in his face.

“Is the meme about your David?” he asked, throwing himself onto the bed with such abandon that Matteo actually had to get out of the way in order not to be crushed.

“What do you think?”, he retorted flatly and ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s some new guy and you’ve taken my advice and gotten over David already.”

Matteo didn’t even know what to say to that, but didn’t get an opportunity to respond anyway, before he heard the shutter sound of Hans’ phone.

“What are you _doing_?”, he asked, fruitlessly trying to swipe Hans’ phone out of his hand, but Hans being faster and holding it out of reach, while typing onehanded.

“Taking a picture of your face after I dared to assume you would have forgotten your lover boy in such a short time.”

He flopped down next to Matteo and showed him the picture, already on the way to his Instagram story with the caption “What emotion is this?” and a box for people to type their guesses into.

Picture Matteo had drawn his eyebrows together, scrunched up his nose, and his mouth was open just a little bit.

“Which filter should I use?”, Hans asked him, flipping through all of them rapidly, while Matteo was still trying to process what was happening.

“Dude, you’re not posting that,” he told him, finally getting a hold of the phone, but Hans was not letting go.

“Don’t fuck with my phone, butterfly,” has said in a deadly tone that made Matteo pull another doubtlessly weird face if Hans’ puff of laughter was anything to go by.

Matteo huffed and let go of the phone, his stomach swooping like he was on a rollercoaster when his own phone buzzed again. Instead of looking at it instantly, like a big part of him wanted to, he watched Hans post the picture of Matteo to his story. His heart was hammering again. He wanted to know, but also, he didn’t? As long as he didn’t look, the notification had simultaneously come and not come from David.

Schrödinger’s meme, kinda.  

“Sooo. What are you doing, posting memes about cute boys even though it’s neither Monday nor Friday?”, Hans asked, legs crossed on Matteo’s bed and head resting on his palm, arm propped up on his leg.

“Taking your advice.”

Hans’ eyebrows shot up. “Advice? Taking? Mine?”

Matteo breathed out deeply. “You told me to give him time. I’m doing that. But I’m also letting him know that I haven’t forgotten him. And still like him. And stuff.”

He wasn’t sure how Hans was going to react to that. He wasn’t _exactly_ following his advice after all. Maybe he was being too pushy? He hadn’t mentioned David’s name or linked him or anything. But maybe it was still too much? Maybe he was putting pressure on David after all and that was the last thing he wanted.

Fuck.

Matteo eyed Hans warily, waiting for an answer while Hans pursed his lips, before smiling.

“I actually think this is really nice.”

Matteo closed his eyes briefly, stupidly relieved. He knew Hans had mostly been joking about being his gay guru and all and Matteo had similarly jokingly agreed to call him that. But Hans still had a certain power over him. He kind of craved his approval. Not that Matteo would ever tell him that.

Hans scooched closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder, digging his fingers a bit into the muscle there. “And also …”, he started and leaned his head forward, staring into Matteo’s eyes in a way that made it hard to keep eye contact but also apprehensive to look away.

“Also …?”, Matteo asked, shaking his head a little.

“Also, I’m proud of you for posting it. You wrote ‘him’ in the last part. You basically came out to the whole internet. That takes courage.” Hans’ lips curled into a closed-mouthed smile and he cocked his head in a way that reminded Matteo of David.

Suddenly, he had to swallow down the urge to start crying then and there.

He picked up his phone and pulled up the meme again to stare at that little “him” he had put there for all the world to see. He might have initially posted the meme for David, but in the end, he had sort of done it for himself, too. He had wanted to be braver, right? More courageous, more open. More, more, more.

Well. There was more of him out there than there had been before. People knew more about him, and so far, no one had commented anything shitty. He knew something was probably coming, but while he cared, he didn’t care to the point where other stuff wasn’t more important.

His friends accepted him. That was the most significant part. And he was trying to change and the meme had helped.

So, even if David didn’t like it, or didn’t reply, as much as that thought alone made Matteo feel a bit sick, even if _that_ happened, at least he wasn’t shutting himself in so much anymore.

And there was still a chance of getting all he wanted, anyway.

That would have to be enough.

 

* * *

 

But after waiting away the whole day, after Hans offering to distract him a bit, after Mia bursting in with no warning much like Hans had done, after deleting five fucked up comments from his account and after finally falling asleep, Matteo woke up in the morning, sweaty and with his head feeling like it was filled with cotton candy.

It was only then, when he looked at his phone, that he saw it.

David still hadn’t liked his post.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone. I hope you liked this. If you want more, please leave some comments and I'll do my best! :) I have a lot of memes on my desktop, too ^^ Also, sorry, I'm mostly using mainstream memes. I'm no true lord like Matteo.
> 
> If the pic doesn't work here is the link to meme1: https://imgur.com/AEtvSP1


	2. Meme 2-6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the memes go on ...

It had been four hours since Matteo had woken up but he was still in a foul mood.

He was sitting next to Mia in the kitchen and staring at the blue little icon next to the name _da_vid.gif_ that told him that David was very much online and thus had no excuse whatsoever to not have liked his meme.

The meme that was meant for him. Matteo’s meme for David. David’s _meme_.

“Matteo, I think drilling holes into your phone with your eyes won’t make it do what you want it to do”, Mia said from where she was making some stir-fry at the stove.

“You can’t know that”, Matteo mumbled, but chucked the phone away from himself and onto the table. It landed forcefully, making a spoon in one of the mugs left over from breakfast clank against its rim.

Mia shot him an unimpressed look over her shoulder and continued stirring.

Matteo let his whole upper body fall onto the table, resulting in another loud clang and a little worrying groan from the piece of furniture. But Matteo couldn’t be bothered about that, he was freaking. The fuck. Out.

David had to have seen the post, right? He had to. So, what did it mean that he hadn’t liked it? Did it mean anything at all? Was he just not into Matteo’s approach to romance?

Urgh, he should never have done this, how stupid was he? This was embarrassing, he was fucking embarrassed, okay?

“Can I help you somehow?” Mia, who had somehow teleported to stand right next to him, asked.

He just shook his head against the fabric of his sleeves. No one could help him. This was hopeless.

“Are you sure?”

Matteo finally sat up and looked at her. Her eyebrows where drawn up and she had a look on her face that she probably thought was encouraging.

He almost said something then, but he remembered that she had enough worries when it came to her own relationship. _Real_ worries, like the dude she loved studying in a different country real. If he told her about his meme problem, she was either going to throw up on him or do the honorable thing and die _for him_. Before _he_ had to. Out of embarrassment.

“Nah. I’m going to ask the boys”, he told her, shooting her a quick smile in hopes of reassuring her that he could be left alone.

“As long as you ask someone”, she told him. “Has the boy from Instagram said anything?”

It was all Matteo could do not to slump against the table again. “No.”

“He will.”

“You can’t know that.”

“But I do know that.”

“But you can’t.”

“But I do.”

“Mia.”

“Matteo,” she copied his tone and grinned at him. He rolled his eyes but reluctantly grinned back at her. It was stupid. How freeing it was to talk about this like it was normal.

He was still getting used to the idea and the sensation of not having to hide so much anymore. Especially this part of himself. Only a few weeks ago he would never have been able to really imagine having boy problems and talking about them with Mia Winter in their shared kitchen while gearing up to ask his best friends and their one shared braincell for – _more_ – relationship advice.

Life was weird.

“Text the boys, before you implode,” she told him and while the words were teasing, they also had this interesting note that Mia gave everything she said. A sort of mianess that made everything sound stern and gentle at the same time.

Matteo didn’t even think twice before sending the boys an emojiless text that sounded all the more needy for how hard he was trying to not make it sound so.

 

 **Matteo** : still nothing.

 

Fuck, he sounded like a character in one of those novels you could buy at the supermarket for two euros. His phone, thankfully, vibrated in his hand before he could follow _that_ road further down.

 

 **Jonas** : Give him more time maybe? 🤔

 **Jonas** : It hasn’t been that long.

 **Carlos** : Yeah, maybe he still has to think about how he wants to react to it 😬😬

 **Matteo** : he should just like it

 

It wasn’t like Matteo expected some sort of declaration. Just double tap the stupid picture.

 

 **Abdi** : Maybe he understood it wrong?

 **Carlos** : Alter, what could he have understood wrong? 🙈🙈🙈 It’s super obvious what it means.

 **Abdi** : But he’s an artist and shit, right? Maybe he overanalyzed it and decided he gave Matteo heart problems, but in a bad way, you know?

 **Jonas** : Bro, that’s stupid. I don’t really believe that.

 **Jonas** : What do you think Matteo?

 

But Matteo was too busy staring at the conversation to answer right then. Horrible realization was dawning on him and it was decidedly a not-good feeling.

What if David really _had_ misunderstood him? What if he thought Matteo hated him now?

Thumbs flying across the screen he went on Instagram and looked at the meme. All of a sudden, the meaning of it seemed a lot more aggressive?

_When I see him._

And then a heart sort of vibrating. The _him_ especially now sounded like someone had spit the word right into his head instead of sighing it dreamily or whatever other shit Matteo had wanted David to hear when reading it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Okay. Okay, what could he do, how could he rescue this?

He jumped up from his chair in the kitchen and ran past Mia who had resumed stirring her food. His socked feet skidded along the floor as he entered his room, not bothering to close the door behind him.

He had made a bunch of memes yesterday. He would just post one that was less … ambiguous. Yes. But still non-threatening. Still chill. Still not needy.

No pressure, no pressure.

He looked through them all and selected one that seemed to fit the bill.

There. Posted.

His phone vibrated again and he took it in hand, trying not to look away from his laptop screen until the last second.

 

 **Abdi** : Matteo? Alter, I can see that you’ve read this, could you say something?

 **Jonas** : Diggi, I think he might be freaking out, tbh.

 **Carlos** : ! 🤯

 **Carlos** : Oh, god, bros. Go on insta. Matteo snapped? 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

 **Abdi** : Oh shit

 **Abdi** : I don’t think this one’s a lot better than the other one? That thing is creepy. 🤨

 **Jonas** : Leave him alone. It’s the thought that counts, remember?

 

 

 

Matteo started wondering if it was possible to spend the rest of his life as some form of disembodied goo on the floor and promptly collapsed, forehead first, into his phone screen.  

 

* * *

  

 On Thursday Matteo was sort of … frustrated?

No. That wasn’t the word.

Angry? Nah, that didn’t really cut it, either. It wasn’t sharp enough for that.

But what was he then? Why was he so bad at words? Had he even passed his German Abi? There was no way, right? Not with that sort of eloquence.

Fuck, what exactly _was_ he?

“Can you please concentrate on bio and put that forlorn look somewhere else?” Amira asked him, voice dry, with a sweet smile on her face.

Matteo knew that she was smiling only to show him she had fangs that would bite him any second now, if he didn’t get a grip.

“Yeah, sorry.”

 _Forlorn_. That was a good word, though.

He felt forlorn.

Because there was still no peep from David. Not one meager, little like.

Nothing. Nichts. Nope.

Amira threw down her pen on the table.

“You know what? I’ll go to the restroom. When I’m back you better be ready to make an effort on this, okay?”, she asked, but it was more of a demand.

She didn’t wait for him to respond, but he knew she wasn’t joking. Amira never joked when it came to stuff like this.

Matteo knew he couldn’t afford to make her angry again and also, he didn’t _want_ to make her angry anyway. They had made some progress studying and he really wanted to pass his Abi.

There was only one thing that would maybe help the situation.

Matteo took out his phone and decided that he had to try again.

Third time and everything.

Maybe David just needed to be sure that Matteo wasn’t posting random memes that had no meaning. He didn’t think he was being overly mysterious. Actually, he was being mega fucking obvious, in his opinion.

However, he would admit that, maybe, it was only obvious to _him_ , because he, of course, lived in his own head.

David didn’t. How should David know what his plan was? Why should he trust Matteo to not be planning something shitty? Or just being random?

Perhaps, David hadn’t thought the last meme was about him, because it hadn’t been a full two weeks since they had seen each other yet. Matteo was being dramatic then, but also, he felt that he was allowed to round up. Maybe he should have posted that The Office meme with Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute holding up that sign instead? He could have put the exact number of days on there.

It was too late now anyway. He could save any regrets for when he was lying in bed, trying to sleep. That was always when the really awesome thoughts got him.

He opened Instagram and scrolled through his gallery. By now he had loaded the memes from his laptop onto his phone. Easier to post that way. Scrolling through them, he eventually landed on one that seemed to fit the situation best.

Let David know he was distracting him from studying. Maybe he just needed to know that their time together was still almost always on Matteo’s mind these days. Maybe he just needed a reminder of how special it had felt to be together.

Sometimes, he still had to remind himself of that. That it all had actually happened. That they had spent one deliriously beautiful night together. He just hoped he wasn’t putting too much weight on said night.

Who knew? Maybe David found such connections easily and often.

He just hoped it wouldn’t hurt anyone to know that Matteo didn’t.

Posting on Instagram used to be something to be excited about at best and indifferent about at worst.

Now, it was the one thing that managed to make the equivalent of an army of ants crawl through Matteo’s stomach.

 

 

He closed the app instantly (ha) and opened up WhatsApp. He had to talk to the guys, if he was supposed to have any hope of studying in a bit.

 

 **Matteo:** meme. insta. thoughts?

 **Jonas:** You posted another one? 😧

 **Matteo:** am I overdoing it?

 **Carlos:** Fuck that. Being chill never got anyone anything. 👊👊👊 Looking at it now.

 **Carlos** : Not to be THAT guy, but how does he know he’s the only one you’ve made out with all night?

 **Carlos** : Also – nice! 😜

 **Matteo** : why would I make out with anyone but him??

 **Jonas** : Aww, Brudi! 🤩🤩🤩

 **Matteo** : shut up.

 **Abdi** : You’ve always had too much game. David probably knows. You made out with Sara.

 **Matteo** : not all night. not very often at all.

 **Jonas** : Does David know that?

 

Why was this his life? Why was he doing this to himself?

Matteo was busy fervently wishing he was not currently in public where he had to maintain some form of sane image, when Amira came back to their table.

She shot a quick glance toward his phone, then took out her own, tapping lightly on it with her thumbs, before snorting loudly.

“You posted another one? That’s three for three, right?”

“Yeah, so?” he asked her, meeting her amused gaze and quirking his mouth slightly downwards.

“Has he said something yet?”

Matteo shook his head, looking down at the table again.

“You really like that boy a lot, huh? Sure he’s worth it?” She eyed him, considering. “You look sort of …”

“Forlorn?”, he guessed, scrunching his nose, before rubbing a sudden itch away from it with the back of his hand.

“No. Fed up, maybe? How should I know what goes on in there?”, Amira asked, gesturing hennaed hands at his head.

“Don’t you know everything?”

“Some things I don’t _want_ to know”, she said with a sniff, before taking a sip of her cocoa.

“Afraid?”

“No.” She drew the word out but there was a warning in her tone that made him grin despite himself and let the whole matter be.

He turned back to his biology notes and stared at his shitty handwriting. Amira took up an orange highlighter and uncapped it.

Just as Matteo was slowly starting to get his head back into the subject matter, Amira spoke up again.

“Waiting is shit.”

Matteo felt the left corner of his mouth curl up. They didn’t look at each other, but that wasn’t necessary anyway.

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

Late at night, Matteo wondered if there were other things he needed to be _more_ of.

He was working on his courage. That was what the memes were for.

The openness was another thing, but he felt like that was going fine.

Maybe it was patience he was teaching himself right now.

Or maybe he just needed to learn how to be _more_ without David. He couldn’t let his whole life revolve around him. But on the other hand, he wasn’t really doing that anymore. Last week had been about that. And he’d gotten out of that. But he definitely needed to keep an eye on the situation.

How could he be more courageous if he also needed to be more careful? How did that fit together?

All he knew was that he wanted to _be_ more and that he wanted more of _David_.

 

* * *

 

 

Yeah.

Matteo had sort of lost it with that one.

But who cared? It wasn’t like David seemed to even see those stupid memes so why not make a meme about _that_?

Matteo had no idea who he was trying to fool but a petty sort of spirt had taken hold of him today and led him to make a meme about a boy not seeing all the memes he made for him.

Life was full of riddles and Matteo hated all of them.

Last night, he hadn’t slept a lot, kept tossing and turning. Thinking about himself and thinking about the boy he liked and coming to no satisfying conclusions.

People kept commenting on his posts, either telling him to stop and ask David out like a normal person would, or they were totally intrigued and waiting for the grand resolution.

He had long blocked those who had left mean comments. It wasn’t like his account was overly popular.

Maybe that was why David didn’t like the memes. Maybe to him, Matteo was just a sweaty, greasy boy who didn’t have anything one David Schreibner would be into.

But then Matteo remembered that that couldn’t be true, not really.

Because if he concentrated really, really hard, he could still feel the feather-soft press of David’s lips against his. Meeting, caressing. Again and again and again until Matteo’s mouth had hurt from it but he still hadn’t wanted to stop for anything because the hurt still felt better than not kissing David.

As far as Matteo was concerned David’s lips were made to be kissed and especially kissed by him. And David must have felt the same, had looked at Matteo like no one had looked at him ever. David had let himself be kissed as often as Matteo wanted and had sighed into it, had not objected when Matteo had put a hand on his cheek, not to hold him still, but touch him softly in yet another way.

He hadn’t dreamed that, had he? That had really happened. They’d kissed the night away and ignored everyone else and for almost a whole week, Matteo had been sure that neither one of them had felt sorry.

But now he was standing in an Aldi and staring down at a salami in the meat isle, so who even knew anything about the world anymore?

Maybe down was up and up was down and kissing until it turned into something as vital and easy as breathing didn’t mean much at all.

He didn’t even know if Hans actually needed the salami or had just told him to buy it in order to teach him some kind of wordless lesson.

If that was the case it was clearly wasted on him and Matteo seriously contemplated just not buying it out of spite.

In the end, he grabbed it anyway and also added some bread and cheese to the vodka and beer he had already gathered for his meeting with the boys on Friday. He wanted to sulk and he was going to do it right. Hopefully, he would burn his mouth on the hot cheese and render that body part useless for any future activities. It was not like he was going to get to kiss someone he really liked any time soon, anyway.

On his way to the checkout he suddenly saw someone that made his heart flip. Not in a good way, though. Matteo closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He cursed the nice weather, because it being above 20 degrees Celsius outside meant that he had not worn a hoodie and _that_ meant he couldn’t very well hide his face in it.

His eyes tried to figure out a different way towards freedom, but the place was packed and he would have to squeeze past way too many people to get out.

Maybe she wouldn’t recognize him? She’d only met him once in a dingy hallway. How well could she have seen him?

Matteo might have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t just been standing there like some sort of dumb tree staring at her.

Because she seemed to feel his gaze and took her eyes off of the frozen pizzas and looked directly at him.

Shit.

Running away wasn’t an option, right? That would look bad? But Matteo didn’t want to talk to her. He really didn’t.

His mouth felt dry and he started feeling what he hadn’t felt for almost a week now. His heartrate went up a bit and his ears started ringing. All he knew was he had to get out of this shitty Aldi and find somewhere quiet to calm down.

He vaguely heard her calling after him, but paid her no mind. She wasn’t important now. He wasn’t ready for her to tell him “no” again.

Matteo didn’t really remember dropping his groceries, walking around the Aldi and huddling against the wall. But he must have done all of that, because here he was, hugging himself, trying to block everything around him out.

His breath started coming in weird, shaky puffs once he got it under control a bit. He didn’t have headphones with him, but in his head, he repeated the lyrics of a song that David had shown him once. But that song was too angry and didn’t help.

Matteo almost started panicking all over again, could feel some sort of inner meter wanting to climb all the way up once more. With a dry mouth, he gritted his teeth and did his best to think of a calmer song.

He thought of soft bajo notes and a dreamlike voice.

A voice that sang of kissing like real people did and some choir in the background underscoring the whole fantasy of it.

He wished he could hear the song for real, but started humming it instead, in lieu of anything else. He’d sung in a church choir once. He could make his own music if needed.

It took a while for the feeling of being suffocated by fog to go away, but he managed to calm down enough to open his eyes.

Well.

That had been a shitty conclusion to an already shitty day and Matteo would be damned if he was going to do anything else besides sleep.

Groaning, he managed to get on his feet again, not sparing the location of his latest panic attack a second glance. When he emerged from the alley, his eyes were immediately drawn to something else, though.

Stuck to the white wall was a blue post it, that fluttered slightly in the breeze. Matteo wasn’t sure what drew him to it, but he took the extra step necessary to see what was written on it.

His eyes widened immediately.

 

 

 

_Matteo,_

_Sorry, I didn’t want to freak you out even more, so I didn’t go to you. I know how shitty panic attacks are. I waited until you seemed alright again, though._

_Laura_

 

Great. So, she had seen him. Great. Great.

He really didn’t know if she would have made his attack any better, so he was kind of grateful that she hadn’t come up to him to try and calm him down. They didn’t know each other enough for that.

Matteo noticed that she had drawn a little loopy arrow on the post it, so he turned it around.

He couldn’t have kept his mouth from falling open even if he’d tried.

 

 

 

_By the way, if you’re trying to get David’s attention, you need change your strategy. The idiot thinks you’ve found someone new …_

 

* * *

 

Once Matteo arrived at the flat, he didn’t waste any time.

“Sorry, Hans, I have to do something, I’ll get you that salami tomorrow,” he said, before Hans, who was watching Game of Thrones on the sofa, could so much as open his mouth.

He strode into his bedroom, pulled up Chrome on his laptop and chose the first empty meme template he could find that seemed to fit even remotely.

Matteo didn’t think it through at all.

He was fucking exhausted from the last few days and from the nice little experience he just had next to an Aldi – who had panic attacks in an Aldi? Well, probably a lot of people, but back to the problem – so he needed to do this and he needed to not use his brain too much for it.

David though he didn’t like him anymore?

David thought he had found someone else to make out with all night?

He’d fucking show David that Matteo wanted him and only him and the stupid, perfect idiot could fucking choke on that.

Matteo hit post, closed his laptop far more loudly than necessary, and crawled under the blankets, before he could even think about second guessing himself.

 _David_.

Matteo snorted.

This would show him.

 

 

 

* * *

 

He woke up two hours later, head pounding, because his phone kept vibrating obnoxiously on his desk.

Burying his face in his pillow he huffed out an annoyed puff of breath, shoulders tense, while he waited for it to stop.

It did.

Only for it to start right up again.

Angry, he sort of flowed out of bed, legs and arms feeling like liquid that didn’t quite want to hold all of him in. He blinked blearily at his phone, seeing it was Jonas calling him.

“Alter, what? You’ll be here in a few hours anyway”, he grumbled into his phone after having picked up.

“What ‘Alter, what’? Why do you sound unhappy? It finally worked!” Jonas more or less screeched into his ear while in the background he could hear someone giggling.  

“What worked?” Matteo asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, wondering if he still had any aspirin left.

“Your plan? The memes?”

“What are you talking about?”, Matteo asked, opening a drawer in hopes of finding some pain medication somewhere in there. Why did he have so many loose pens? He didn’t even write that much. Should he get a pen holder or something?

“Check insta! Right now!”

It was only then, right in the middle of rolling his eyes, that Jonas’ message finally managed to penetrate Matteo’s mushy sponge of a brain.

Slowly licking his lips, he unceremoniously hung up on his best friend and looked at the Instagram icon on his phone. The orange bubble in its right corner informed him that he had a bunch of notifications, but that wasn’t unusual.

He suddenly violently remembered the meme he had posted before his depression nap and could feel his fingers wanting to shake at the thought of it. Why had he brought the sandwich fetish up again? He was pretty sure that only could have been funny once and that only barely.

Could it actually have done any good?

He decided it was now or never. Better to find out now and why would Jonas have called him – he looked at his phone – _five_ times only to tell him David had told him to go fuck himself?

Taking a deep breath, he opened the app and tapped the little heart button on the bottom.

And there … there it was.

 

 **da_vid.gif** and **37 others** liked your post.

 **da_vid. gif** and **29 others** liked your post.

 **da_vid.gif** and **41 others** liked your post

 **da_vid.gif** and **35 others** liked your post.

 **da_vid.gif** and **19 others** liked your post.

 

David … had liked _all_ of them. Each and every one. Even the one with Gru.

At first, Matteo didn’t understand why his cheeks were hurting. But then he realized it was because he was grinning like a damn lunatic, and fuck if he cared if anyone saw it.

_David had liked the posts._

Laughter was rising in his chest and he didn’t bother holding it back. He raised his hands to touch his burning face, but that only made him think about David’s seemingly perpetually red cheeks.

He couldn’t wait to kiss them again.

Now that there was hope that, sometime in the future, he would be allowed to.

And if they weren’t red already, he would kiss the red into them with all the softness and sheer _like_ he possessed for this boy.

He almost felt like crying but for once it was because everything was too good instead of too hopeless. It was a similar feeling like the one when he had come out to Jonas and his other friends and they had all barely batted an eyelash. He had felt accepted then. Now, he the feeling in his chest was … he didn’t even know.

Had it really only been a few days since he had started posting those memes? It had felt like an eternity, because of all the feelings Matteo had suddenly had to go through without the help of haze. It would be a lie to say that he hadn’t thought about taking some every now and then.

But fuck, it was so worth it now. He felt everything clearly. Sure, the worry had been sharp and his earlier panic attack was still sitting heavily in his bones. But the happiness he felt right now? The glee? The something-like-love?

Nothing had ever felt as good and crisp as that.

God.

It had all been a stupid misunderstanding. David had thought Matteo meant the memes for someone else and that was why he hadn’t reacted to his posts.

The thought alone was so fucking preposterous to Matteo’s mind, he didn’t really know what to do with it.

He would have to thank Laura some time for helping him along. Who knew how it would have ended without her?

It served to show him one thing, though – he didn’t know David very well, did he?

To Matteo, David had seemed self-assured, mysterious, almost weirdly ethereal in a way. But this, this meant he had doubts about himself like Matteo had. Was maybe by far not as confident, as Matteo had considered him to be.

Also, Matteo still didn’t know what had made David pull back from all of it. Why he needed more time.

But for once, Matteo didn’t shy away from the thought of the future possibly being difficult. Of not quite knowing the way through all of this.

David and him would figure it out, if they would let themselves.

But first, Matteo had to make absolutely sure, that David knew, he had understood Matteo correctly.

 

 

Matteo only had to wait a minute before ...

 

 **da_vid.gif** liked your post.

 

He smiled. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you all for reading and for sticking with me, even though I kept fucking up yesterday! There is one more chapter to go. 
> 
> Here are the links to the memes in case they aren't working: 
> 
> 2\. https://i.imgur.com/yayVAWh.png  
> 3\. https://i.imgur.com/r5uE8mK.png  
> 4\. https://i.imgur.com/BoIwUZ3.png  
> 5\. https://i.imgur.com/gUpJvcB.png  
> 6\. https://i.imgur.com/U5uR3Fk.png


	3. Memes 7-8 (+1 drawing)

“Are you being serious right now?”

“I think he’s being dead serious, Abdi.”

“Yeah, I mean, _look_ at him.”

It was like having a flashback to last week.

Matteo was in his room. Abdi. Jonas, and Carlos were sitting in front of him. The difference was, this time Matteo wasn’t high as a kite and this time, the boys were not staring at him with worry, but rather in the way you looked at a person that had managed to contort their body into some sort of human pretzel out of nowhere.

In short, they were staring at him like he had lost it.

“I’m just worried,” Matteo mumbled, fingers itching for the feel of a joint between them, but mind valiantly resisting. “I don’t get what’s so weird about that.”

“But _why_ would you be worried? Shouldn’t you be, like, shouting stuff from rooftops?” Abdi asked him, eyes slightly bulging out of his head, probably with the force of just how much he didn’t understand Matteo right now.

“When have I ever shouted anything?”

Jonas drew back his head a bit and raised both eyebrows. “Dude, I remember you yelling at us vividly. In this very room. Honestly, I’m having war flashbacks.”

“Alter, same. I didn’t even know your voice could be that many decibels”, Carlos agreed while abruptly opening previously closed fits and making explosion sounds.

“Can you say that?”, Abdi asked.

“Can I say what?”

“Can a voice _be_ a lot of decibels? I feel like that’s … a wrong use of science.”

Carlos groaned. “Digga, this is the whole Katheter thing all over again. Leave me alone.”

Matteo rolled his eyes and fiddled with the cuff of his sweater while watching the argument slowly derail into chaos.

Not that it took much.

“Jungs, let it be for a moment. We have to get Matteo out of his funk”, Jonas interrupted them, patting both of them on their heads, or trying to anyway, because Abdi was doing his best to lean away from him and Jonas was almost falling over from the effort. He finally gave it a rest, after having managed to swipe at some of Abdi’s curls and Abdi letting out a little outraged screech.

“I just don’t know what I should do next”, Matteo said, to finally get it over with.

“But the memes worked, right?”, Carlos asked, looking at him questioningly.

“Yeah, sure. He liked them.” Matteo shrugged and blew some air out of his mouth in the forceful imitation of a sigh.

“See, that’s what I don’t get. How are you not psyched? If Sam ever did anything like that I would—“

“Scream it from the rooftops, yes we know”, Carlos interrupted.

“I’m not psyched, because I don’t know what comes next. He liked them. And now? Do I post more? Should they be different than the rest? Should I say something? Should I wait for _him_ to say something?”

Matteo looked at his friends, eyes half lidded. Worrying was exhausting but he really had no clue what to do now.

Yesterday, he had been so happy, he had almost gone out of his mind because of it. His hardcore memeing had finally paid off. David had liked each and every post that had been intended for him. Yesterday, that had seemed like such a huge accomplishment, but today …

Sometimes Matteo wondered about life and what it really was about.

It seemed like each time he met a goal, he was able to be happy for all of two seconds, before the next step had to be considered, worried, and agonized over. It felt like he was treading water most of the time, only being able to just float and just be every once in a while.

 _Being with David_ had felt like floating on water. Schön und so einfach. Nothing about it had to be calculated or needed a lot of effort. Being with him had given Matteo the feeling of having accomplished it all without having done anything, but being himself.

He wanted that feeling back.

But it seemed, in order to get it, he would have to earn it, by treading water some more.

Matteo idly thought back to yesterday afternoon when he had been cleaning up his room and before he went to Sara to apologize. Finding out that one of his pillows still smelled like David had been …

He couldn’t really put it into words. He had buried his nose into the pillow on a whim, not expecting much. But once the smell of David had touched his nose, he had been pulled back into that deliriously happy weekend almost two weeks ago. It had felt a bit like coming out of a time machine. For a second, his body had tingled, felt light and warm, and had felt soft-strong phantom hands wrapped around him, shielding him from the world and saying quietly that they would hold him through everything, no matter what.

It was insane that the barely there smell of a person long gone could do that to him.

But all the more reason to worry. If he fucked this up, he wouldn’t be able to get any of that back.

“Okay, I get why that’s bugging you. You really waste no time when it comes to worrying, though”, Jonas admitted, before he went over to where Matteo had just thrown himself onto the bed and put an arm around him to shake him a little. “No afterglow for you, huh?”

“I’ll save the glowing for when I can be sure about everything if that’s alright with you”, Matteo grumbled back sarcastically, but shot Jonas a crooked grin.

“No premature glowing?”

“No premature anything, I hope”, Abdi said, wiggling his eyebrows and the boys all broke out into laughter that was interspersed with booing Abdi for his stupid joke.

“Okay!”, Matteo managed to call them to order before the whole thing went to hell for good. “Can someone help me now, please?”

“Why don’t you just write him?”, Jonas suggested, nudging his shoulder against Matteo’s.

“Nee. That feels wrong, sort of. I need some kind of sign from him before I can do that.”

“Ey, but aren’t the likes sign enough?” Carlos wanted to know while trying to struggle out of his hoodie and nearly strangling himself. Matteo almost didn’t understand him and had to go through the sounds he had been able to hear in his head again, before he could give an answer.

“No, they aren’t. I can’t explain it, but they aren’t.”

“Okay, but what else is there?”, Carlos agreed, finally free.

“If writing him seems too much, you definitely can’t just go and knock on his door”, Jonas summarized and they all shared a nod.

“There’s nothing for it then”, Abdi said, shrugging.

The boys all turned their heads to him at the same time.

“You gotta make another meme.”

Matteo must have pulled a bit of a face, because Abdi groaned. “Dude, you’re against everything today, aren’t you?”

“No”, Matteo denied immediately, only proving Abdi’s point further, but who even cared. “I just don’t know what that meme should be about. I mean. It would have to be different than the others? But it still can’t be pushy.”

When did this whole thing get to be so complicated? Matteo sort of missed the times when he would just find some hilarious, grainy dog picture and slap, like, three words on it. There, done. No effort involved.

But maybe that was the thing. Maybe Matteo had just realized that, just like when it came to friendships, his mental health, and his abi, David was worth putting thought into.

A grainy dog picture just wouldn’t cut it this time.

While he had been lost in thought, Jonas had fished his phone out of his pants and had started scrolling through Matteo’s Instagram account, which made Matteo frown slightly.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“Reconnaissance.”

“Reconnaiwhat?”

“Digga, read a book some time. I’m looking through the memes to try and think of something you haven’t posted yet.”

“Yeah? Why don’t you write me an essay about it?”

“Maybe I will”, Jonas shot back, side-eying Matteo.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Are you daring me?”

“I’m double, triple, dog-daring you.”

The stared at each other, Matteo trying to make his eyes look as flinty as possible to try and get Jonas to break eye contact, while Jonas was widening his eyes more and more and surely had to be pushing the limits of what was physically possible.

While all of that important business was going on, Abdi wandered over and looked at Jonas’ phone over his shoulder.

“You should say something about his body.”

Matteo almost broke his neck because of the speed he used to whip his head towards his friend. He heard his spine crack pitifully.

“Ew”, Carlos said helpfully from across the room, mouth quirked downwards and nose wrinkled.

“What do you mean, ew?”, Abdi wanted to know, evidently outraged.

“Ey, Matteo can’t just go around objectifying David and shit.”

“Alter, who is objectifying anyone?”

“Why are you mad at _me_ now? You’re the one going around wanting Matteo to say something about people’s bodies.” Carlos threw up his hands, shaking his head.

“You make it sound like something dirty!”

“Kiki says it’s really unhealthy to focus too much on what other people look like. People get really hung up on that shit, you know.”

Abdi groaned. “And I’m not saying Matteo should say something about how hot David’s ass is or something. Just, maybe, mention something he likes about how he looks. Why wouldn’t David want that? If Sam ever said she thought I had pretty eyes or some shit, I would die of happiness and you could bury me in a y-shaped coffin, you know what I mean?”

“Dude, I think not even _you_ know what you mean.”

That was when Matteo had reached the end of his attention span and decided he needed to get Jonas’ opinion on the whole thing.

“What do you think?”

Jonas hummed thoughtfully. “Maybe Abdi is right. Give your boy some validation. I mean …” Jonas activated his phone screen again and tilted it towards Matteo, so he could see his Instagram account. “He knows you miss him and that you like him. Maybe it’s time he knew you thought he was hot, too. You don’t have to be gross about it.”

Matteo snorted, but didn’t tell Jonas what was going through his head when he got a questioning look for it.

The thing was – Matteo wasn’t even sure if he was able to be actually gross when it came to how much he liked the way David looked. All the things he liked about him, he thought about in the way of bad poetry only a smitten teenager could come up with. So, maybe that _was_ gross, but only because he just liked _all the things_ about David.

David had an air about him that just made him seem like a medium sized package of all the things Matteo didn’t even know he liked in a boy.

Sure, he had dark hair and eyes like Jonas and since Matteo had liked Jonas once, Matteo could attribute liking those two things to having a type.

But it was still _different_.

Jonas had been his best friend for so long that liking him had come in such a slow, creeping way as to almost be just another facet of their friendship. Getting over him had been surprisingly easy.

And while being with David also had a shocking, easy tenderness about it, everything David did and was had an impact on Matteo that he couldn’t shake.

When David looked at him through those brown, brown eyes Matteo felt _seen_. All through his body, into his head and his soul.

Lots of boys had long eyelashes but on David they looked right and perfect and made his gaze even more insistent. Sometimes, Matteo had had a hard time not looking away but at the same time, he felt drawn into it, like it was beckoning him to look and see David just as clearly as David was seeing him.

And Matteo could have gone on.

Boy, could he have gone on.

About David’s hair (how did it do that, how could it look so good, be so amazing to touch?), his hands (a bit calloused from drawing and sports, and so good at holding Matteo together and holding Matteo close to David), his smile (should be illegal), his laugh (was _already_ illegal), his arms, his legs (he had jumped out of that pool so fast, how had he done that? Matteo and his noodle arms could not relate).

It didn’t matter. He liked it all.

Which was probably why he kind of panicked and posted the weirdest thing he could have commented on.

 

 

For the twenty-one minutes it took until he dared look at his notifications, Matteo felt himself slowly dying inside, which was definitely not aided by the sound of his friends laughing at and hitting him repeatedly for being gross when Jonas had told him _not_ to be.

But then he took the plunge, so to speak, and took a peek.  

 **da_vid.gif** , **car_lospolloshermanos** , **jon_astronaut** and **22 others** liked your post.

It wasn’t Matteo’s proudest moment, but … he actually let out a whoop that was so long his voice cracked halfway through.

Also, it was loud.

And since the window was wide open it was almost like shouting things from a rooftop.

 

* * *

 

Later, Matteo ventured out again, because the shopping still had to be done if the boys wanted to drink anything at his place later, and he still owed Hans a salami.

If he never had to think those words again it would probably be too soon.

But he would buy the stupid salami. At this point it was a matter of principle more than anything else.

Different from last time, Matteo’s trip to Aldi was rather uneventful. He got the beer, the vodka, some orange juice to mix it with, the bread and cheese, the thrice damned salami, and some chips because he had a craving and no one was there to stop him.

It was a nice day outside. Spring had finally decided it was there to stay and the sun was beating down on Matteo, as if to make sure he definitely knew that.

The sun could have spared itself the effort because it was only a little while later that he saw something that made the sun seem stupidly unimportant.

Because, as he was walking home, he saw the one person that had seemed to have been swallowed by the earth itself, waiting at the bus stop on the other side of the street.

What else could Matteo have done than stop in the middle of the boardwalk like an idiot?

His whole body started to feel hot and cold at the same time.

Was it normal to see a person and feel like they stood out against the background more than any other person near them? Was it weird to look at someone and _almost_ feel the way it had felt when said person had touched you last?

His heart stuttered and Matteo was glad no one needed him to say anything right now, because he would definitely have stuttered too.

And then David turned his head, much like his sister had two days ago, and looked straight at him.

Only this time, Matteo didn’t feel any panic well up inside him.

For a while they just stared at each other and Matteo didn’t even dare raise a hand in greeting. He felt like any movement on his part might shatter whatever was going on.

David was the first one to move, but he didn’t wave.

Instead, he smiled.

Matteo was almost happy that the bus arrived then and hid David from his gaze.

He wasn’t sure if he could have survived otherwise.

 

 

 **da_vid.gif** , **ha.nnanananana** ,  **super.sch_hans**  and **37 others**  liked your post.

 

* * *

 

It was on Friday that Matteo’s worry for David won out over the worry about being too much or too pushy.

David had posted on Instagram again.

The drawing alone evoked a feeling of dread in Matteo, especially in light of it being the third one with a dark sort of aura that David had posted on his Instagram this week.

The first one had been a drawing of a fox with a short passage of text scribbled under it that had given Matteo a headache trying to decipher it. Not only had the handwriting been nothing like the carefully painted “Matteo” on the envelope he had received from David last week, its meaning totally escaped him as well.

Then, yesterday, there had been a drawing of a boy in what looked like a costume or even a dress, maybe. Matteo hadn’t known what to make of that, but looking at it had made him feel like the person who drew it had been angry. Like _David_ had been angry while drawing it. It was moments like this where he really wished he was more artistic and could see any more meaning in David’s work than that.

And now David had posted this.

 

 

He didn’t even know where to begin.

It didn’t look much like his usual style, other than it being in black. But looking at it made Matteo’s chest constrict a tiny bit. It looked like how he felt whenever he had one of those episodes when everything just turned to shit. It looked like voices whispering and faces taunting. It looked like not knowing who or what to be.

The thought of David feeling anything close to that would probably have already been enough for Matteo to decide to do something.

But, for once, David had not just posted the drawing without a comment. _This_ time he had put two words underneath the picture. There, without any punctuation, it said

**Notwendige Fragen**

And for the first time Matteo was thankful for all the endless literature lessons he had to sit through during German classes in school. Without them, he would have never had to write a report on a german-speaking poet, would never have just signed up for the last author to be unclaimed on the sign-up sheet, and never would have known that by “necessary questions” David had probably meant a poem by Erich Fried.

Matteo instantly googled the poem, no idea what it was actually about, but distinctly remembering it having been on the list of poems written by that author.

It didn’t take long for him to find it on an old website from 1997 that didn’t look any day younger than that.

His eyes skimmed the words once, twice, three times. A fourth time for good measure, before he leaned back and tried to make sense of it.

_Das Gewicht  
_ _der Angst  
_ _Die Länge und Breite  
_ _der Liebe  
_ _Die Farbe  
_ _der Sehnsucht  
_ _im Schatten  
_ _und in der Sonne_

_Wieviel Steine  
_ _geschluckt werden müssen  
_ _als Strafe  
_ _für Glück  
_ _und wie tief  
_ _man graben muss  
_ _bis der Acker  
_ _Milch gibt und Honig*_

David might have had the habit of making Matteo work a little until he got to him, like he had done with the coordinates. But once he had made Matteo follow all the rules, there he was. Not physically this time. But if there was one thing, Matteo was sure David wanted him to know, it was that this was how he felt right now. And nothing was alright about that.

He didn’t know how to fix it. But he knew he had to try.

If David was feeling fear, love, and longing for something, if he was feeling like he was being punished for being happy, if he felt like he had to work fruitlessly until he was _allowed_ to be happy, well.

There was only one thing to do.

Swallowing drily, but fingers sure, Matteo pulled up WhatsApp and opened his chat with David. He resolutely ignored the last message he had received from him (he saw it anyway – _Ich will nichts von dir_ – was intimately familiar with how it looked) and started typing.

 

 **Matteo** _:_ Just saw your Instagram post. If you still need time away from me, I understand. But if you need someone to talk to, you can always come to me. I just want you to know that.

 

Matteo contemplated adding more, but in the end, he left it like that and hit send.

He almost jumped when the two little checkmarks at the bottom of the message turned blue almost immediately. For a minute, he stared at the chat, heart in his throat and lower lip between his teeth.

Then, he sighed deeply, when the word “online” disappeared from underneath David’s name.

Okay. This was fine.

And Matteo actually meant that. The most important thing was, that David knew that Matteo was thinking about him and worrying about him. That he knew he wasn’t alone. Matteo might be the one between the two of them that was deadly afraid of being on his own. But it couldn’t hurt David to know that _he_ wasn’t or didn’t have to be.

Well. Nothing for it then.

Matteo set down the phone and decided it was high time to get a bit more studying done before the boys would show up in four hours. They had some serious drinking to do and Matteo was planning on totally committing to the goal of getting shitfaced.

But he had barely started the process of getting into all his notes (Why had he decided to use three different colors for highlighting? His notes looked like a clown had thrown up on them.) when the doorbell rang.

Drawing his eyebrows together, Matteo got up. He would have loved to leave answering the door to one of his roommates, but they had all cleared out in anticipation of his friends coming over and wanting to give them time together. Mia was at Alex’s place, Hans had gone out with some boy, and Linn was apparently at tennis practice. Or soccer practice. _Some_ practice, anyway.

He buzzed the person up and it didn’t take long until there was a resounding knock on the door.

Matteo pulled it open, expecting something between a neighbor who had locked themselves out and some dude who wanted to sell him on a pyramid scheme.

Matteo had always been shit at guessing, no matter how often he demanded other people do it.

“Na?”

The little word hit a chord somewhere deep inside of him.

There, standing right in front of him and not on the other side of the street, was David.

“Matteo?”

Oh, fuck. Had he ever heard David say his name before? It didn’t seem like it, not when his heart decided that it needed to start hammering in overtime because of it.

What had that boy _done_ to him? And could he please never undo it?

“Hey”, Matteo finally said in a cross between a croaky whisper and a mumble.

“Hey”, David answered him, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as if it didn’t know if it was allowed to be here. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure”, Matteo managed quite eloquently and stepped to the side to make space.

David’s upper arm brushed against him and he had to close his eyes for a second at the sensation of it.

“You said, I could talk to you if I wanted to,” David continued, sounding much like the last time they had spent time together. When they had listened to that Hozier song. Nervous and a little sad.

Matteo nodded.

“I want to.”

Matteo smiled at him, relieved and a little proud. He felt … honored. And maybe that was weird and shitty of him, but it made him feel special that David had actually chosen to take him up on his offer. And with little to no hesitation too, it seemed. That he had felt comfortable enough for that. Matteo might not have known David for long but he did know, he wanted to be that sort of person to him. The person he could tell anything and everything and just know they would make it alright.

“Where do you want to go?”, he asked, deciding it would be better to leave it up to David.

David buried his hands in the pockets of his pants. “Is someone else here?”

“Nope. They all cleared out. Jonas, Abdi, and Carlos are coming by later, so.” Matteo shrugged, not sure if he should have mentioned that.

“If you don’t have time I can—“, David started, backtracking in a way that seemed out of character for him and Matteo wasn’t having it.

“No. Stay. Please. I’m happy you’re here.”

They both froze in the face of how panicked Matteo had sounded, not sure how to go on.

Finally, David took a hesitant step towards Matteo’s room, inclining his head in a question.

Matteo nodded and followed after him.

Once inside, the room seemed daunting and a bit too intimate. They had spent so much time in here, cocooned in each other and sequestered away from the world. Now, there was such a distance between them and Matteo wasn’t sure how to reconcile these feelings with each other.

David walked into the room and stopped suddenly in the middle of it, seemingly not wanting to sit down or to maneuver himself against a wall. He slowly turned around towards Matteo, who closed the door a bit more loudly than necessary, which made him wince.

He cleared his throat and leaned awkwardly against the door. Should he encourage David to say something? Should he make small talk? Should he just wait?

But before Matteo’s thoughts could spiral too much, David opened his mouth.

“I need to tell you something.”

Matteo hummed in a way he hoped was encouraging.

“I …” David trailed off. “I don’t know how to start.” He looked oddly helpless. Matteo didn’t like seeing him like that. Wished he could do something to make it better.

“Take your time”, he mumbled. “I’m not going anywhere.”

David nodded and seemed to steel himself. Matteo had no idea what the hell to expect and was trying really, really hard not to come up with any apocalyptic scenarios then and there.

Thankfully, David spoke again and Matteo could not have anticipated his words if he had tried.

“Do you know what transgender means?”

Matteo blinked and looked at David for a second, before it slowly, _slowly_ started to dawn on him where this conversation was going.

Oh.

“Yes. A bit. Hans made me do some research on all the LGBT stuff a while ago.”

And never had Matteo been more thankful to him for that, than in this moment.

Oh, he thought again, tension slowly draining out of him. Had _that_ been what David hadn’t known how to say? Why he had hidden himself away from Matteo?

“And what do you thing of people who are … trans?”

Matteo licked his lips, trying to gather his words carefully, to make sure he said what he meant to say. “I think that … every person knows best what they are and who they are. If someone says they’re a boy then they’re a boy. If someone says they’re a girl, they’re a girl.”  

Matteo shrugged a bit helplessly. He just hoped he hadn’t said anything stupid.

David opened his mouth. Then closed it again, biting his lower lip. Closing his eyes, too. Taking a deep breath that looked like it shuddered through his whole body.

Matteo had never wanted to hug him more than right then. But he had a feeling that it wouldn’t be welcome until David had said what he had come to say. Until he had unburdened himself and could be sure of Matteo’s reaction.

So, he waited, trying to be selfless for once, but also remembering how his talk with Jonas had felt and how coming out was only getting easier very slowly and might never be _just_ easy. It might not be quite the same. But Matteo knew a bit about being afraid that another person would not accept you as you were.

When the words came, they had a quiet sort of confidence about them. David finally let is brown, brown eyes meet Matteo’s blue ones.

“ _I’m_ trans.”

And for a moment, there was silence. Just two boys looking at each other.

Matteo breathed out quietly and did his best to look at David steadily. To make sure with his body as well as his words that it was –

“Okay.”

David blinked once, slowly. “Okay?” Matteo saw him swallow visibly.

“Yeah.” It would be a lie to say he wasn’t surprised. Or that he didn’t have questions. But if there was one thing he new for certain, if the last weeks had proven anything to him, it was that relationships needed words and questions and answers. But all in all? Nothing had changed about the way Matteo felt about David. Nothing at all.

“You’re not …?”, David started, but then stopped himself. Matteo didn’t know where he had wanted to go with the question, but decided that assuming anything wouldn’t do either of them any good.

He pushed himself away from the door and took the steps he needed to stand in front of David. “Thanks for telling me”, he said instead, smiling a closed-mouthed smile.

David was still looking at him, his gaze almost trying to crawl into him, to see into his head and find out what he was thinking, if the way he had drawn his eyebrows together was any indication. Whatever David was searching for he seemed to find it after a few seconds and that was when, slowly, the fight went out of him.

Matteo could see how his shoulders visibly lost their tension and the breaths he took seemed to come easier again.

At this point, Matteo was almost vibrating with the need to finally do something. While David seemed to have relaxed a bit, Matteo wanted to assure him more, _show_ him, as well as tell him.

“Can I please hug you?”, he asked, wanting to make sure.

David made a sound that could have meant anything, but mainly screamed surprise to Matteo. But it soon didn’t matter, because David was nodding and already, hesitantly reaching for him and then Matteo had drawn him into his arms.

It felt like finally coming home.

“I like you so much”, Matteo blurted where he had buried his mouth against David’s shoulder, because the words wouldn’t let him contain them anymore and he didn’t care to anymore anyway. David deserved to hear them. Probably needed to, as well.

The boy in his arms gasped out a laugh and wrapped his arms more tightly around Matteo. “Me, too. I lied in that text, I’m so sorry about that, I was just afraid you wouldn’t understand.” Matteo felt a hand starting to pet the short hair at the nape of his neck and closed his eyes blissfully.

“It’s okay”, he mumbled, almost feeling drunk and lifted his head to press his cheek against David’s. He loved the soft feeling of it and how weirdly intimate it was. David’s skin was burning hot against his and Matteo couldn’t help but take a look.

He smiled when he saw David’s blushy cheeks and lifted both hands to cup his face and stroke his thumbs over them. David rolled slightly glassy eyes. “Shut up.”

“I’m not saying anything”, Matteo said, obviously saying _something_ , and felt a giddy grin take over his face.

David kicked his leg but was obviously not putting much effort into it, since Matteo didn’t go down like a particularly weak tree.

Something in his belly swooped. Nobody had ever looked at him like that. He didn’t even know what name he should give the emotion currently on David’s face. All he knew as he hoped he would be able to make David look at him like that for a long time. Find the formula for getting that look aimed at him and never share it with anyone.

David’s gummy smile got a bit smaller, but no less gentle, then. His gaze dropped to Matteo’s lips and as far as Matteo was concerned wasting this moment would have been a crime.

He didn’t know who stepped forward first but it didn’t matter anyway. It didn’t matter who started or who grabbed who. All that mattered was that this was happening.

David’s lips connected with his and finally, finally he knew that he had not imagined how good it had been to kiss him. He hadn’t built it up in his head. If anything, it was even better, because it was happening then and there and was only slowly working itself up to be a memory.

Matteo’s breath came out shaky once he let it. Nobody else’s lips were softer than this, felt better than this, fit better against his. He wrapped his arms around David’s shoulders, leaning against him a bit, because he was unsure on his feet and knew David could take the weight. In turn, David’s arms snaked around his middle, hands holding him by the hips, squeezing slightly, making Matteo gasp.

When their tongues met for the first time in so long, he heard David moan quietly, all the while feeling a shock run through his body. Matteo didn’t know how anything could feel as good as this. This was where he belonged. In the arms of this boy, mouths and hearts connected, finally surrounded by David’s blissful smell again.

“Please be my boyfriend”, Matteo blurted out between kisses, only stopping for a second to look into David’s eyes. David nodded frantically, craning his neck, lips seeking Matteo’s for more.

Kissing while smiling so wide your cheeks hurt was hard.

They both fell onto the bed a few minutes later, reenacting their first weekend together. Matteo was rapidly becoming sure of the fact that his lips were only okay once they were puffy and slightly stung from kissing David so much.

“Did you like the memes?”, Matteo asked after a while, because, sometimes whispering between kisses was okay, too.

“They were very you”, David said, teasing, and smiling broadly at Matteo.

“Of course, I liked them.”

_Of course, I like you._

Matteo smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Necessary Questions (translation by me)
> 
> The weight  
> of fear  
> The length and breadth  
> of love  
> The color  
> of longing  
> in the shadows  
> and in the sun
> 
> How many stones  
> we have to swallow  
> as a punishment  
> for being happy  
> and how deep  
> we have to dig  
> until the field  
> gives milk and honey
> 
> Meme 7: https://i.imgur.com/OjECKrq.png  
> Meme 8: https://i.imgur.com/CNwToxM.png  
> Drawing: https://i.imgur.com/XvYH5xl.png
> 
> I didn’t make David’s drawing. I got it from a Pinterest account of the name “lyss” but couldn’t find out if they actually drew it. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading my story! Your comments were really, really awesome and also were what made me finish so fast! <3
> 
> I hope the coming out scene was okay! If I wrote anything that feels weird to any trans people out there, please tell me and I'll change it!


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